Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
