I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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