apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
