You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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