Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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