I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you will always have a special place in my vag
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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