Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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