Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
