I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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