Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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