Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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