I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
