New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
