Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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