I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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