you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
