I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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