My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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