Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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