Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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