Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize