glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
