we have officially lost it.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
