Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
