She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
