He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
