Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
