saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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