whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
