Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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