She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
