If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
