he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
