the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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