new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
