How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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