there's paper in my vomit.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize