We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
