Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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