I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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