Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
