Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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