he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
