Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
