I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
As shirtless as possible
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
