70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
