You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
