You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
