She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
