She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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