You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
