The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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