My liver just broke up with me...
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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