i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if only i could text you this smell
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
