She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
