the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
