just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
