my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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