My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
4 words: hood of his car
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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